New Theories On C-3PO’s Red Arm In The Force Awakens
Leaked a few weeks ago Star Wars fans learned that C-3PO might have ninety-nine problems in The Force Awakens but two golden arms ain’t one! Here are the top ten reasons Threepeehole will have one red arm come Dec 18th when Star Wars Episode VII gentles caresses movie theatre screens everywhere.
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| “There better be some left, Grunberg!” |
Today’s Top Ten List is brought to you in part by Red Lobster (everyone finds a loose Star Wars tie-in and rides it like Lance Armstrong).
10) Golden Rod (as the boy robots call him) has been employed for 29 years at a Jamba Juice as a blender inside a Republic shopping ship. Since the end of the Imperial rule, Starberries are the only fruit available in his region. You mix enough of those with your blender arm and you see what gets that stain out!
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| “Red, red arm, you make me feel so warm, you keep me naggin’ all of the time…” |
9) Much has changed for same-sexed droids since his time as the Ewok King. A red arm is all the rage, being socially acceptable in over 8000 forms of communication. Red arm day is celebrated twice a year around the Outer Rim.
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| All your wallets belong to us! |
8) With a red arm, Lucasfilm can guarantee sales of 37 new Threepio action-figures, pillows, nutcrackers, cup toppers and of course children’s arm wrestling toys.
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| “What a wonderful feeling…” |
7) C-3PO has been performing a holo deck version of Singing In The Rain with the Royal Alderaan Survivor’s Choir. Four performances a week, spinning around a lamp post rusts the hell out of a droid’s arm.
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| “Lube is 270 forms of my communication.” |
6) The video was removed but out of work for so long, Anthony Daniels stole the prized costume and took part in a series of underground pornographic films. There were 5 films in the popular series “Red2PeePoo” before the Bothans were able to track down his IP address and shut down his smut stream.
5) After being told several times, Threepio had a bit too much blue milk and foolishly didn’t “let the Wookiee win”.
4) To ensure no futher appearances in future episodes, Threepio led a rogue team of secondary characters to Naboo to wipe the Gungans out once and for all. His popular “down the throat smashing” technique allowed him to kill anywhere between 32-47 Gungans per our. After so much blood, his army declared that he shall never wash it to always remember this galactic triumph. (Side note: Gungans bleed red. Gungans bleed alot. Of Red.)
3) Disney insisted on a cross-promotion with Banksy. Not what they had in mind but they couldn’t find him to discuss changes.
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| “It’s worth like.. six six packs, bro!” |
2) Josh Trank was fired after removing Threepeehole’s arm, believing it to be real gold and trying to sell it for beer money. Trank’d!
1) YOLO!
