Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit – Day 158
Today Faking Star Wars has the pleasure to present a new original feature. Behold, the Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit by new Faker, Bill May. Take a look at what that crazy old wizard commanded him to write after the jump!
TATOOINE – Day 158:
Dear Diary,
I’m as giddy as a galactic Princess. For the first time in years I spent the evening with a beautiful woman who wasn’t a Jedi prude. I was so backed up with precious Force fluids that when I was finally able to become one with the Force, it was as if millions of voices suddenly cried out and were suddenly sleepy.
Four months in the Jundland Wastes and I’ve inherited an instant family. Luke is blissfully asleep in the hammock I made out of old robes, and lying beside me is Beru. Do I feel bad about bedding another man’s wife? When the other man is a piece of bantha fodder like Owen Lars, then I can confidently say ‘Kiss my lightsaber.’
Last night after she first kissed me, she told me that when Owen returned home battered, naked, and without Luke, she knew not to believe his story about Sand People abducting the baby. She tried to set out after Luke, but Owen locked her away in her old slave quarters. Beru spent the last month trapped in a windowless room, worried to death about Luke.
Beru noticed my puzzled look and explained, “Oh, didn’t you know that I was born a slave? That’s how all the Lars men trap their women. They buy female slaves and eventually free them in the name of love. And let’s just say being a slave was preferable.” So after a brutal fight with Owen she was able to escape and came straight to my hut.
Beru stirs in bed. She rolls over and smiles at me, and begins to twirl my Jedi chest hair in her delicate fingers.
“I’ve been to Tatooine before,” I confess to her. “I never actually left the ship because I had the crucial mission of guarding the Queen’s body double. But that’s when my Master first discovered Anakin.”
The talk of Jedi seemed to please Beru. “Owen is so jealous of Anakin. Shmi bragged about her son all of the time and it drove him crazy.”
“How so?” I wondered.
“Well, Owen always wanted to be a Jedi! Why do you think he dresses like you?”
Up until that point I had never given it much thought. What a dick.
Beru continued, “He even searched for places to get his blood tested for midi-chlorians.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle.
Beru elbowed me and pinched my Jedi nipple. “What?!”
Continuing to laugh I explained to her that there was no such thing as midi-chlorians, that it was simply a tool to convince parents to allow us to take their Force sensitive children away with us. Parents would never have simply taken our word that we could feel the Force flowing within their offspring. They would have thought we were a clan of old perverts in long robes. So we’d conduct the bogus midi-chlorian test within earshot of the unsuspecting parents, and most of the time it was enough “proof” of their child’s Force abilities.
Beru sat up in bed. “Wow! The Jedi Order were a bunch of assholes!”
I thought for a moment. “Yes, I guess we were.”
Sensing that my chances of executing Order 69 with the lovely Beru were quickly fleeting, I offered to get her some water.
Outside, the coils of the vaporator were clogged with sand. I had to bang them against the hut for a minute or two to clear them out, and that’s when a bad feeling washed over me.
I dropped the cup of sandy water and rushed back inside. I saw that the bed sheets were on the floor next to a few droplets of blood, as if Beru had been dragged off the bed.
Then I noticed that Luke was gone as well.
Tune in next week for the continuing drama of Ben Kenobi’s Journal! For back issues please visit Obi-Wan’s Oasis on Facebook.
