Therm Scissorpunch Banned From Staples

Therm Scissorpunch Banned From Staples

“Classic xenophobia. No two ways about it. They should be ashamed of themselves,” said Therm Scissorpunch, an alien of unknown origin with scissors for hands.

According to Scissorpunch, it all started when he stepped into a Cleveland area Staples to make several copies of his headshot, which he’s done several times in the past without incident. The large crustacean-looking alien was told the print job would take a half hour, so he decided to kill some time.

Scissorpunch didn’t wander very far before he caught something in the reflection of his blade hands. “Two security guards tailing me for no reason… first I thought they might have wanted a picture or an autograph, but when I turned around, it became clear they were up to something worse.”

Eyewitnesses say security tackled Scissorpunch and forced his scissor hands closed with several layers of duct tape before stuffing each claw into oven mitts. The alien was then taken to a small cell located in the back of the store.

A bystander was able to snap a photo with her Google Pixel 2.

“They held me for 3 hours against my will. One of them planted a ream of half torn paper under my carapace. Do I look like someone who would cut up thousands of dollars worth of paper and packing bubbles FOR FUN?!”

The nightmare finally ended when a Lucasfilm attorney called Staples management, and threatened legal action. In the end, Scissorpunch was let go, but was banned from ever stepping clawfoot inside a Staples again for posing danger to printed products. Meanwhile, the retailer covered the bill for the Scissorpunch’s headshots and whatever damages his scissor hands may have sustained during the scuffle. Get well soon, Therm! Can’t wait to see you in Solo: A Star Wars Story.

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Willybobo

Hailing from the fictional planet of Yarvin IV, which is populated by bumblebee people, is Willybobo. As the Editor-in-chief of FSW, he strives to make the Star Wars fan community a better place for nerds and geeks everywhere. Willybobo was a very active member of the Cantina Star Wars fan forum so you may recognize him from there. He lives with an urn carrying the ashes of his former master, and spends all day asking the mighty Sheev for advice.

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