Breaking Down The Poster For The Unofficial Last Jedi Remake
Earlier this week, the galaxy caught its first glimpse at the unofficial remake of The Last Jedi. A fan calling himself Fernando Reza (unverified, sans blue checkmark) tweeted the artwork for the teaser poster of fandom’s new take on Rian Johnson’s much maligned Episode VIII. FSW could not confirm or deny whether Fernando is actually part of the campaign to remake The Last Jedi or if his artwork is meant as a troll. In any case, we’ve done our due diligence to break down Rosa’s poster design and expand upon implications for the film.
SHREDDED JEDI MASTER LUKE NUKEM SKYWALKER
It seems Luke Skywalker may have spent the last 30 years in the gym. His super buff physique will be matched only by his complete mastery of the Force. Luke is mentally, spiritually and physically perfect in every way. We gather he will certainly “ignite the green” in an epic lightsaber battle, but it seems he’ll also deliver a gun show wherever he goes, courtesy of his 44-inch pythons. This Luke doesn’t run or hide from anything or anyone. He is a Force to be reckoned with. His left hand wields the weapon of the Jedi and on his other side is the right hand of the law: a Dirty Harry-like .44 Magnum. The Sith don’t stand a chance!
THE CHASE IS ON!
The Millennium Falcon will have a new supergun turret modded to its underside. And it’s going to need it as the iconic ship will be involved in an exciting chase sequence with Boba Fett in his Slave I attack craft. A far cry from the slow paced “chase” as seen in Rian Johnson’s version of The Last Jedi.
SNOKE’S BACKSTORY REVEALED!
Our experts theorize Supreme Leader Snoke captures our heroes and, in James Bond villain-like fashion, the 8-foot tall alien explains his backstory and motivation in a slideshow presentation blown up and magnified on a projector screen. We speculate the Supreme Leader will leave nothing to the imagination, and potentially use a laser pointer to connect the dots between slides and all three Star Wars trilogies.
JAR JAR BINKS REDEEMED!
We’ll finally see Jar Jar Binks make up for his bungling of the prequels by playing the hero. The former juggler is now a hardened bounty hunter known as “Machine-Gungan Kelly” because of the deadly machine gun arm he has in place of a limb. Taking a cue from the machine gun leg seen in Planet Terror, this new darker, more heroic take on Jar Jar could help redeem him in the eyes of Star Wars fans everywhere. Even more surprising is the possessed Yoda that Machine-Gungan’s carries in his fanny pack. We’re imagining the ancient Jedi master may even be fused to the edgy gungan’s abdomen similar to Kuato in Total Recall.
PLUS-SIZED HUTT SLAYING LEIA WITH BB-8 FEATURING NEGAN BAT ACTION!
General Leia may be older and wiser, but she’s every bit as capable of taking down alien gangsters as she was 30 years ago. We can only speculate that Jabba’s son takes his revenge on Leia and forces her to become his personal concubine. Unbeknownst to the Hutt, Leia and BB-8 have strategized a plan to beat some heads in, courtesy of the ball droid’s spiked bat, reminiscent of the villainous Negan from The Walking Dead.
HOME ECONOMICS EXPERT REY WITH HER PORGSGIVING FEAST!
In addition to being one of Jedi Master Luke’s quickest study, Rey will also flex her domestic skills and become the greatest chef The Resistance has ever known. Her penchant for cooking porgs will reveal itself in a celebration following Jedi Master Skywalker and Gungang Kelly’s tag-team destruction of the Knights of Ren. During this 4-course feast, the rebels will strategize their final plan to destroy Snoke and The First Order… but not before raving about Rey’s prowess in the kitchen. We think this scene will incorporate elements of retro-futurism, a throwback to George Lucas’ obsession with the 1950s a la Dex’s Diner.
NEO-NOIR SAMURAI DETECTIVE CYBORG FINN!
The B plot of the fan remake seemingly revolves around a hardboiled Finn. No longer comic relief, it appears the former Stormtrooper will lead a noir-infused investigation into the whereabouts of Rose Tico. Following his defeat at the hand of Kylo Ren in The Force Awakens, Lando Calrissian has helped to modify Finn into a Samurai Cyborg Detective. His journey will lead us into the underbelly of the galaxy as he uses his transhuman enhancements to save Rose, and learn a great deal about what it means to truly be human in the process.
TRIPLE DEATH STAR!!!
How do you up the ante of the cliché super weapon without creating a second Starkiller Base or a third Death Star? You subvert the meaning of a third Death Star by creating a 3-in-1 super weapon. That means 3x the death, 3x the spectacle and 3x the pulse-pounding sequences to somehow blow each part of the triple Death Stars up. Is there anything more fitting for the Father of modern day blockbuster trilogies than a trilogy of Death Stars as a weapon?
DRAGON VADER KYLO!
After his defeat at the hand of Force wunderkind Rey, Kylo will be rebranding himself as “The Dragon Vader.” His new look will be heavily inspired by Road Warrior fashion, and feature spiked shoulder pads made from Krayt dragon bones. He’ll also be trading up when it comes to lightsabers, ditching his DIY cross-guard saber in favor of a blade made of the dankest nicotine clouds — a vape saber, as pointed out by poster artist Reza. We think Dragon Vader’s heat will clash with Jedi Master Luke Nukem’s cool for an epic finale of fire and ice.
Well, we’re officially excited by the poster for the unofficial Last Jedi remake… even if it turns out to be the work of some overly excited fan, or a hateful troll. It’s got our minds racing with possibilities. What do you think about it? Real? Fake? Let us know!
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