Star Wars Fans Threaten To Torch Yoda Fountain If Episode IX Trailer Not Released Soon
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — The angry and undersexed fans of nerd culture have shifted from Marvel to Lucasfilm! After weeks of demanding a trailer for the hotly anticipated follow-up to Avengers: Infinity War, the social media mob of disrespectful neckbeards are now pushing for a Star Wars Episode IX trailer.
This time, instead of spewing hate-filled venom at the clouds because a National Day of Mourning pushed back the release of a film trailer, they’ve set their sights on the bronze Yoda statue that stands guard outside of Lucasfilm HQ.
“We’re pulling no stops!” said lead protester Devin O’Toole of Redmond, Washington. “Lucasfilm and Kathleen Kennedy must heed our warning! If they don’t release the trailer for Episode IX by Christmas Eve, they will wake up on December 25th with coal in their stockings and their Yoda statue ablaze instead of the Yule log.”
When we asked Lucasfilm for a comment, a spokesperson said they were not worried by O’Toole’s claims. Lucasfilm Story Group intern, Trina Alejandra Garcia-Smith, had this to say.
“We get dozens of threats like these a day. You should see Pablo Hidalgo’s DM inbox on Twitter. We print out tweets and DMs and hang them on the walls of our cubicles then throw darts at them. O’Toole just happens to be the loudest of the bunch. Once again, we’re not worried. Que lloren más!”
Despite the big talk from Lucasfilm, the campus has increased security in and around the Yoda fountain. Our spies count at least two new octogenarian sentries frequently sleeping in 24-hour security booths adjacent to the courtyard. No word on whether they’ve been briefed or trained on how to deal with hordes of angry fans. Godspeed, Yoda!
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