Darth Jar Jar Interviews Han and Luke

Greetin’ un salutations, powerless beings. Mesa, yousa immensely powerful Dark Side masteren, recently sat down wit both Luke Skywalker’s Force Ghost unda projection of Han Solo’s ghost via a self-indulgent seizure courtesy of Kylo Ren. Dissen how it went down.

DJJ: So, imaginary Han. Let mesa get yousa byline right: Alcoholic wife deserter un deadbeat dad tries ta taste adventure una mure time before getten gutted un tossed inta una of dose walkways where engineers once again forgot ta add railings. How close mesa?

Imaginary Han Solo: Well, you forgot to say I was gutted by my emotionally distant son who I neglected his whole life and whose mom lived in 24/7 denial of his true nature until it was too late. So much so he even managed to kill a bunch of his friends and turn his uncle, ol’ Luke here [motions to Force Ghost Luke with his thumb], into a freakish hermit, or hobo, or whatever-

Force Ghost Luke: Hey!

Imaginary Hand Solo: …who lived with space nuns. And don’t even get me started on how he got his milk for morning cereal.

DJJ: It was shameless. Wesa all saw it.

Imaginary Han Solo: Now you see why we made this kid sit in the back of Falcon.

DJJ: True. Un theysa call mesa a weirdo. Now, Han, Mesa do notsa wanten dis convo ta get too deep inta da weeds ’bout yousa sloppy post-Endor shenanigans unda de-evolution of a 40-plus-year Han Solo arc, so wesa’ll leave yousa character’s character assassination at da bottum of dat hole yousa fell in. Metinks wesa can safely spake dat dis was jusa part of da biggen middle finger [Kathleen] Kennedy un Lucasfilm gave George [Lucas] as hesa was forced (pun intended) ta watch from da sidelines.

Force Ghost Luke: If I can just cut in here for a sec-

DJJ: Surely ting, eager beaver. Whata do ya got?

Force Ghost Luke: Can I get meta here and break the fourth wall here? 

DJJ: Da sequels alritty broke-ed ebberyting. Buta, dis could besa intrestink. Do yousa worst.

Force Ghost Luke: I spoke with Mark [Hamill] about this in one of our daily forest meditations way back when they called us up to reprise our role as the hero of the galaxy. Back then, we had high hopes for what we could bring to the new story. We believed that our personal story arc had more arcing to do, so we spent countless exciting hours sipping chai tea, yelling at the president on TV, and exchanging our dreams. And then we got the first script. Three words: What. The. He-

Imaginary Han Solo: Samesies. Harrison [Ford] and I had a similar conversation. Of course he hates everyone and especially, for some reason, really hates me so getting a meeting with him required jumping through quite a few hoops. He’ll do a movie playing a grizzly hobo loner who becomes friends with a sled dog, but getting him to open up to me is harder than getting Anthony [Daniels] to shut up about himself, in or out of the Threepio costume.

Force Ghost Luke: Can I get really real for a second?

DJJ: Iffen yousa haf ta.

Force Ghost Luke: I remember the day I learned that anyone can be a Jedi and that Yoda, Ben, and I weren’t very special after all. It was like a stab in the chest.

Imaginary Han Solo: Ha Ha.

Force Ghost Luke: I mean, why even bother kidnapping toddlers and forcing them to undergo mind-altering cult teachings for years and years if Force Sponge is a thing?

Imaginary Han Solo: Hey. Whatever happened to that Broom Boy kid? Wasn’t he supposed to be the next you?

Force Ghost Luke: No. That’s Rey. She’s the next me. Just without a penis. Which apparently makes her better I guess.

Imaginary Han Solo: I know I offered this Rey a gig. And my son was all into her which made those Reylos foam at the mouth. But, where does she get off knowing how to fly my ship without training?

Force Ghost Luke: Or using my lightsaber or the Force without practice? A freaking dyad? What kind of last minute story Hail Mary is that?

DJJ: All hot questions, buta da rally cry of da vocal social media minority is dat askin’ such tings means yousa do notsa understand Star Wars. Buta Mesa will spake dat JJ [Abrams] un Rian [Johnson] were given a blank slate un a blank check ta create sumptin wonderfully magical ta stand da test of time, liken da original trilogy, buta den theysa coughed up episodes 7-9 instead.

Imaginary Han Solo: I’ve seen[Nick] Fury’s cat Goose cough up better hairballs.

DJJ: Oh, yousa talkie ta Nick Fury? Whatsa hesa liken?

Imaginary Han Solo: Sam Jackson is Sam Jackson on and off-screen. BAMF, right?

DJJ: Fair enough. Movin’ on. Now, it’sa common knowledge dat both yousa, un yousa carbon-based counterparts, were on edge abouten theesa new films longo before theysa premiered. Yet, yousa acted in dem anyways. Let my guess. Per Harrison, it was all ’bout dem Benjamins. Per Mark, it was all ’bout crawlin’ out from under obscurity un backin inta da Twitter limelight.

Force Ghost Luke: Hey…

Imaginary Han Solo: Right on both accounts, but let me turn the table and interview the interviewer a second.

DJJ: Bring it.

Imaginary Han Solo: It’s rumored that [George] Lucas is going to write a Star Wars alternate timeline where his original plans will go into effect. Namely, a certain Dark Side Gungan will take center stage. Any truth to this?

DJJ: George un Mesa talkie. Often. Mesa also spake regularly wit Ahmed [Best]. In fact, all dee of ussa Facetime whena wesa can, jusa ta laugh ’bout old times un conjure up random “what-ifs” per fun. Of course, dat’s whena Mesa notsa controllin’ da galaxy of da endless headcanons of mesa countless fans. Yousa tink Santa Claus is busy? Hesa only bounces from house ta house una night a year. Mesa spread joy ebbery day, all day.

Force Ghost Luke: Can I ask a question?

DJJ: Yousa jusa did.

Imaginary Han Solo: This is breaking news and you gave me a non-answer. We will get to see an official Darth Jar Jar story soon? Even better, we will get to star in it?

DJJ: Dare are alritty Darth Jar Jar tale-os out dare. Fan fictions are alive un wellen. My’ve a favorite, of course. Boot yousa askin’ abouten seein’ da Lucas original? Quite possibly. People alritty know sum key elements of da tale-o. Mesa helped Sheev [Palpatine] rise ta power as da Emperor where hesa was able ta propose a Grand Army besa built dat was alritty conveniently waitin’ on stand-by. Wit mesa clutch play, hesa was able ta dissolve da Senate un start da Empire. An Empire dat Mesa berry much had mesa hand in. Boot dat is jusa da tip of da iceberg.

Imaginary Han Solo: You forgot to mention if we’ll get a role in the story.

DJJ: Mesa notsa’d forget. Mesa hoped yousa forgot dat yousa asked.

Imaginary Han Solo: There was a novel that has you end up being a clown. Anything to say to that?

DJJ: Da only clown is da clown whosa wrote dat book.

Force Ghost Luke: How come I never heard any news about George writing a new story?

DJJ: Why notsa’d yousa cut yousa hair or bathe once while on dat island? Sum tings wesa’ll nebber know. Fact is, George had a plan, let sum fandom try-hards derail dat plan, saw whata has become of hisen beloved saga, un now wants ta right sum wrongs. Da biggest wrongo is nebber bringen mesa inta da films. Yousa add Darth Jar Jar tada tale-o un yousa’ll break da Internet.

Imaginary Han Solo: I guess we’ll eagerly await the film.

DJJ: Actually, wit dis reimaginin’ of da saga un erasin’ all dat [Kathleen] Kennedy, shesa director pawns, un shesa mouse overlord haf done, perhaps Solo doesn’t get pasted, un Luke doesn’t become dingy set dressing. Whosa knows. Wellen, mesa guess George does.

Imaginary Han Solo: Wow. That could be cool.

DJJ: Un mabee yousa won’t besa such a cocky DB dis time around.

Imaginary Han Solo: Uh…thanks?

Force Ghost Luke: And what about me?

DJJ: Whata abouten yousa indeed.

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