Killer Porgs Revealed: Details on The Pit of Pain & Suffering!
The cutest new additions to the Star Wars universe aka porgs are hiding a deadly secret: they have an insatiable appetite for fresh meat! Just take a look at their razor sharp teeth… now imagine what a flock of them could do to the average humanoid. Our man on the inside at Lucasfilm confirms that the porgs serve a dual purpose in The Last Jedi. First they exist as part of the natural ecosystem on Ahch-to, playing a key role in sustaining its habitat and living within the higher branches of the Force trees that populate the mysterious island. Second, and more importantly, porgs serve as defenders of the Force (Judge them not by their size) working under the direction of the island’s caretakers, the winged creatures lure scavengers and lore seekers onto the island, only to ravage them and feast on their bodies.
In fact, we’re told the natives have even devised an intricate booby trap for anyone who makes it past Ahch-to’s rocky cliffside onto the island proper. “The Porg Pit of Pain & Suffering” is a large clearing with what appear to be precious Jedi artifacts, including the rarest of kyber crystals, resting atop a large tapestry on the dirt floor. The covering itself is a cross stitching created by the priestesses that depicts the origins of the Force (For reference, check out Ireland’s Game of Thrones tapestries). Of course, there’s a great big surprise waiting for anyone foolish enough to walk over the tapestry. The entire covering will collapse revealing a legion of starved adult-size mega porgs who devour anything that falls into the pit. This death trap is said to make The Great Pit of Carkoon look like a polite vegan by comparison.
Apparently the porg pit actually helps save the island’s lone Jedi Master resident, Luke Skywalker. Somehow Kylo Ren and his Knights of Ren track Skywalker and attempt to ambush him and his new padawan, Rey. But a few porgs spy the villainous group and begin to sing a hypnotic chant. Kylo and his goons can’t help but follow the critters up the cliffside and onto the clearing. The treasures on display easily fool the Knights, but Kylo senses a disturbance in the Force and stays back. Needless to say, the Knights of Ren meet a bloody end as they fall into the pit where the mega porgs rip them to shreds in a graphic scene that may result in an R rating (if not toned down for gore and violence.)
So, like the mogwai from Gremlins before them, the porgs will prove to be the deadliest kind of cute. This duality may help broaden the appeal of the super popular critters even moreso! As always, keep it locked to FakingStarWars.net for all the Star Wars news worth faking. Don’t forget to follow us on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook for even more unbelievable news from a galaxy far, far away.
-William “Willybobo” Bobo
